Practicing Emotional Intelligence During the Holidays

The holidays are upon us. Yikes. I've barely just taken off my Halloween costume. As I was thinking about what I might write about for this weeks article, I ran across an article written by a colleague and friend, Josh Freedman. Josh is the founder and COO of 6Seconds Emotional Intelligence.

A few months ago, I wrote about the role of emotional intelligence (EQ) in helping all of us meet our goals for fitness, weight loss and overall health. Well, if there was ever a time of year where our emotional intelligence is put to a test, it's now! Whether it's to stay on track with your wellness objectives during the next couple of months or to just "feel better" during this stressful time of year, you will find some great wisdom and practical advice in Josh's article. He has kindly given me permission to reprint it here. I've also included information on how learn more information on 6Seconds Emotional Intelligence and how to reach me if you'd like your own individualized, EQ assessment.

How to Use the Challenges of the Holiday Season as a "laboratory" for Practicing Your Emotional Intelligence.

by Josh Freedman

This week is Thanksgiving in the US, and the beginning of the "season of family holidays." A time of joy, connection, stress, and depression.

My family is complicated with a plethora of in-laws and out-laws -- "tree" is not a useful metaphor for our family structure. It feels unusual, but we're probably typical of millennial America. So, while I've always loved holidays, I can relate to Holly Hunter's Home for the Holidays depiction of the ultimately stressful family meal.
Perhaps the most distressing aspect of family holidays is how most (all?) of us suddenly "snap back" to our adolescent patterns of conflict and power. Otherwise "grown up" people suddenly are back to "yes I can," "no you can't," "I'm going to tell mom!"

Others find holidays depressing because people like me are writing about the difficulties of family interaction and they're wishing they had some of that mess. Between the conflict and the isolation, clearly the holidays are a fabulous time to practice emotional intelligence.

First, repeat after me:

1. I will make it through this!
(good!) Now the tough one:

2. I have (some) choice.

If you can say that and mean it -- you're well on the way.
Recognizing that adversity is temporary is one of the key mental habits of optimism. In the midst of stress, I often feel like the torture is interminable. That reaction causes an increased level of reactivity and powerlessness. On the other hand, remembering it's temporary helps keep things in perspective and makes it easier to "detach" from the moment (for more, see the EQ Today Optimism special).

Particularly in well-entrenched patterns, recognizing choice is a bear of a task. If you have trouble believing you have total choice over your thoughts, feelings, and actions, perhaps you'll take on this assignment: Begin by watching the process. Observe yourself as your stress increases, your patience wears thin, you "ramp-up" your reactivity, you explode. For many people, holidays are a perfect time for this exercise -- you'll get to see yourself go through this process a hundred times in three weeks!
Don't judge, don't tell yourself you're an idiot for doing it AGAIN, don't fuss at yourself. Just observe the pattern.

What's happening? In what situations are you fighting? Fleeing? Freezing? What are your thoughts? Your feelings? Your actions?

If you are harsh with yourself you won't see the deeper story, you'll just stay at the surface of disgust. Endeavor to enjoy yourself. In Keeping the Faith, Rabbi Schram tells one of his bar-mitzvah candidates to celebrate his cracking voice by singing, "I love that I suck." (See the movie, it will make more sense.) Liberate yourself from the self-judgement and make it a learning experience. Use the stress as a laboratory and watch your patterns unfold with an inner smile.

Just this shift from self-judgement to self-discovery will make a huge difference in your experience. In self-discovery you can let go of frustration more quickly, listen to a bigger range of emotions, and have more peace.

I hesitate to tell you the next step in fear that you'll gloss over the first. I'd really recommend you don't bother with this step at all until you've given at least one, if not two or three, holiday seasons over to the self-discovery. However, I suspect by the middle of December some of you will be desperate, so I'll give you the advanced lesson:

Twiddle.

That's it.

Twiddle. Verb. "To turn over or around idly or lightly; fiddle with" (American Heritage® Dictionary).

In other words, start experimenting with the elements of the pattern and lightly making changes. Keep it light, make a game of experimenting on yourself.
Perhaps you'd rather make radical changes -- don't be impatient. It took you a whole lifetime to learn these dysfunctional patterns, give yourself awhile to unlearn them. Here are a few twiddles you might try:

• When you find yourself in one of your "hotspot" feelings, silently bust out with a Christmas carol but change the words to what you're observing about yourself. (Jewish prayers work as well as carols -- "Baruch Atah Adonai, why am getting suuucked in...")

• Bring an unusual dish to the meal (such as big pickles or beer nuts), and when you find yourself reacting, eat one.

• Imagine you're going to write an article like this about your reactions -- would you tell the whole truth?

• Question one assumption -- for example, if you find yourself deciding what someone else really means, just ask yourself, "What evidence do I have for that assumption?"

• Or even just ask yourself, "What assumptions am I making right now?"

The point of twiddles is to shift out of your usual pattern into an experimental mode. First you let the stressors be a chance to observe yourself, now let them be a chance to practice.

Perhaps the most important lesson is that it is just practice. This holiday season is a practice round preparing for next year. This isn't the Olympic finals, it isn't the Superbowl, and it certainly isn't the most important moment of your life. By holding onto the knowledge that this is a practice round, perhaps you'll give yourself permission to enjoy it just a little more.

Whether you're celebrating American Thanksgiving or not, I wish you all the blessings of the season. Not just the Hallmark rosy blessings, but also the confusing, challenging blessings. It's easy to be thankful for sunshine and laughter -- this year my Thanksgiving wish is for us to be thankful for the clouds and the thorns as well. For when we can be truly thankful for the challenges as well as the joys, our eyes will open to new vistas of wonder.

About the Author:

Joshua Freedman is the Director of Programs for 6Seconds EQ Network, a nonprofit organization teaching emotional intelligence to schools and businesses around the world. He is the coauthor of the Handle With Care EQ Learning Journal, the Self-Science EQ Curriculum, and numerous training tools and programs. His most recent book is At the Heart of Leadership - How to Get Results with Emotional Intelligence (http://www.eqleadership.com/).

You can also find more information about Josh and his organization at www.6seconds.org.

If you'd like to take the your own emotional intelligence assessment, which includes a 1 hour coaching session, please contact me at bob@resolvetoday.com